I wrote this based on a doodle war it is really really funny, and it makes sense without making sense. read it if you want to laugh really really hard.
Bob and the Mosquito
By Abigail H
A short story
Once upon a time there lived a mosquito named Fred. Fred was your average mosquito, hungry for blood, and very tiny. Normally he flew with his swarm but today he was out on his own. Fred aggravated a human named Bob. It was his natural instinct to bite humans and suck their blood. Bob, however, did not take kindly to being bitten, and brushed Fred off his arm. Fred flew back toward Bob buzzing around his head. Bob swatted at Fred for a bit, but Fred was too fast. So, Bob reached for a flyswatter lying on his grill on the porch. Bob pulled his arm back and smashed Fred with the flyswatter. Fred would no longer be a nuisance for Bob, who set the flyswatter back down on the grill and made his way back inside for a sandwich. The TV was playing a news flash of a Giant Monkey who had escaped from a circus. The monkey seemed to be heading toward Bob’s neighborhood. Also, the weather had been fluctuating very oddly, with a tornado hovering over the capital building, and various thunderstorms, flash floods, heat waves and freezes happening all over the city. One lady had reported that her house had frozen solid, while her neighbor’s pool had dried up.
While Bob was watching this, the Giant Monkey entered the backyard and ate the flyswatter. Bob, alerted by the noise looked out his window just in time to see his grill knocked over. Grabbing a taser Bob moved toward the door. The Giant Monkey turned toward Bob’s window and was promptly struck by lightning. Bob dropped the taser gaping. The situation was so incredulous, that Bob could hardly believe his eyes. The Giant Monkey lay on his porch gently smoking. As he stared out the window another flash of lighting hit the grill, the sound and shockwave of thunder shaking Bob’s house. The lightning storm thundered and raged for hours pummeling Bob’s house and the unconscious monkey, until an intelligent room fan named Techin, catapulted itself into the air blowing the storm away. How Techin became intelligent is beyond me, possibly something to do with the electrical surges in Bob’s house. Anyway, the lightning storm was blown away by Techin, who after his giant leap, fell and suddenly dropped through a trapdoor into an alternate dimension. Artificial Intelligence was never meant to exist on earth, and the warriors against artificial intelligence taking over the world (WAAITOTW) opened a trans-dimensional portal on Bob’s back porch. Techin fell through the trapdoor into Artificial Intelligence land. The wonders that this land held were indeed magnificent, nevertheless there were no humans to enjoy it since the AI’s, deeming them harmful to their earth, destroyed them.
Bob finally unfroze. The bizarre series of events that had just occurred had completely flabbergasted him. There was one thing Bob knew for sure, he did not want an alternate dimension on his back porch. Eyeing the closed trapdoor, Bob wondered first how it had gotten there, and second what he was going to do about it. The trapdoor seemed innocent enough. Bob went out onto the porch and scooted underneath it looking at the trapdoor. The most logical thing to do, he thought, would be to take the trapdoor apart. So, he found a drill and plugging it in, dismantled the trapdoor. Techin would be forever stuck in AI land, Bob thought wryly, and too bad, that was my favorite fan. Bob unplugged the drill and taking it inside left the porch to go take a hot bath. Just the thing to calm his nerves.
The water in the tub was hot. The rubber ducky inside it was floating peacefully. Bob was about to dump some bubble bath inside when the house shook. What is going on? Bob thought, as the shaking increased. The earthquake caused a bathtub tsunami that washed waves of water across the floor frying all the electricity. The house shook again, and Bob accidentally turned the water back on while trying to balance. The tub started to fill again, waves of water cascading over the side. The lights flickered. The house shook again knocking Bob over, into the wall where he collapsed dazed. Fortunately, for the electricity a pipe broke draining all the water that would have gone into the tub into the cellar. Bob stood up uncertainly noticing that the tub was no longer filling with water. The ground had stopped shaking and Bob walked over to the tub turning the water off. The temperature seemed to have dropped some, Bob figured that the water that had fried the electricity had also cut off the thermostat. What he didn’t know was that the extremely weird weather had caused a freeze in the cellar. All the water from the broken pipe had frozen solid. Bob decided to look at the fuse box in the cellar. Going outside he went down the stairs. The temperature dropped the closer he got to the cellar. The water that had puddled on the stairs was frozen solid. What is going on? Bob thought, turning and running back up the stairs. He grabbed a hammer and going back into the house, pried up a board in the floor above the cellar. Directly beneath him stuck frozen in the ice was a thermometer. A wave of freezing air hissed out of the cellar and Bob accidentally dropped his hammer into the cellar as he jerked away. The hammer smashed the thermometer and the temperature quickly rose back to normal. There was a cracking sound as the ice began to melt. Since he danger of freezing to death was safely averted, Bob went back outside and down into the cellar where he picked up the hammer.
As he walked back onto the back-porch Bob suddenly shrank down to weasel size. What is going on? Bob thought again, this is the oddest day of my life. A noise behind him made Bob turn. There was a mouse wearing a cape and holding a golden axe standing there glaring with ferocious terror. Bob scarcely had time to think before the scared mouse swung its legendary Golden axe cutting off Bob’s hand. Bob writhed on the ground clutching his dismembered hand. The mouse stood over him ready to finish him off when Bob saw a large rattlesnake coiled behind the angry mouse. The snake pounced on the mouse and swallowed it and it’s axe down into his behemoth belly. Bob stared in surprise and scooted away from the snake who was beginning to advance on him.
Bob suddenly found himself big again. The snake started in surprise and began rattling. Bob really did not want to add a rattlesnake bite to his list of injuries so, he grabbed the pruning scissors he had left on the porch and quickly cut off the snake's head. Picking up the dead snake Bob dropped the snake, scissors and all, into a trash can. Then he calmly called an ambulance to stitch up his wrist. The sun was beginning to set by the time it arrived to carry Bob off to the hospital.
There the trash can sat gathering rust. It was waiting for every moment when Bob or some random passerby tossed something into its depths. The most exciting thing that had ever happened to the trash can was when a dump truck picked it up and dumped the trash can’s contents into its belly to be crushed and burned. The trash can, being of course not alive, never suspected that a raccoon waited, hiding in the shadows ready to jump out and make its debut into the world. Jumping out of the shadows, the raccoon bowled into the trash can. “Dinner,” the raccoon thought. As he pawed the trash can around it jangled on his claws making a loud racket. The Giant Monkey, revived by the rattling sound decided to investigate. He suddenly swung out of Bob’s backyard and leaped onto the raccoon. The racoon screamed in anger this was his dinner not the Giant Monkey’s. The Monkey was three times as large as the racoon, but the racoon was clearly a better fighter. Bob was still at the hospital and had no knowledge of the event taking place in front of his house.
The neighbor heard the noise and freaked out, calling 911. The Dispatch answered, “Hello, what is your emergency?”
“There’s a racoon trying to kill a monkey at my neighbor’s house. They’re disturbing the peace, and I think the monkey is that Giant one escaped from the circus.” So, the police came with large guns to arrest the raccoon and return the giant monkey to its owners. Somehow word got out to the news who came with reporters, helicopters, and video cameras.
Bob’s neighbor found herself the center of attention,
“When did you notice that the racoon had started fighting?”
“How long have they been fighting?”
“Did you get any videos?”
“Where is the owner of the house?”
By this time the police had rounded up the racoon and the monkey and put them in their own separate cages. The monkey made a sorry sight looking sadly through the bars. The racoon had been stunned and could hardly be seen in the depths of its cage.
Bob’s aunt had seen the story on the news, recognizing Bob’s house she called him. Bob had recently gotten out of surgery and was extremely woozy. In her quavering falsetto Bob’s aunt said “Bob, dear, your house is on the news. Where are you?”
“Auntie, I’m at the hospital, my hand was cut off by a mouse with a sword.”
“Oh dear, you really should call the exterminator. How did it happen?”
“Apparently I’ve inherited your shrinking powers. There’s probably no need to call the exterminator; the poor mouse got eaten by a snake.”
“Oh, dearie me, inherited my powers have you. Well, that could prove troublesome, you’ll have to come visit me and I’ll give you some coaching on how to control the shrinking.”
If this was not crazy enough, some random psycho dude got ahold of a nuke and picking random coordinates launched it straight toward Bob’s house. One of the reporters, Jane Robins, happened to look up 20 seconds before the bomb hit. She saw the dark missile hurtling toward Bob’s house and called her college John Doe. John Doe was secretly Superdude. Superdude was the main hero of Supercity, and somehow despite all the news surrounding him still managed to maintain his alter ego. John Doe quickly changed into his super-suit and left his office at supersonic speeds as Superdude.
Superdude raced to Bob’s house, grabbed the bomb, which was nearly stationary at the speed Superdude was traveling, and hurled it into A.I. Land. Don’t ask me how, I have no idea, somehow the bomb got going fast enough to break through the space/time rift and drop into A.I. land. I kind of feel bad for all the robots, especially Techin.
Superdude then floated gently down to where the awed reporters were staring at him. Drake the reporter dropped his mike, Bob’s neighbor fainted, and the police all unfroze. The racoon was quickly bundled into a police car, and the police called the circus to come pick up their monkey.
The chemist who lived down the street, was making a lot of money off of selling homemade nuclear weapons and had a reactor in his basement. Incidentally this was how the random dude got ahold of his missile. Seeing Superdude on his way the chemist shook his fist, and looked at his element store for plutonium. Plutonium happened to be Superdude’s weakness. When in contact with plutonium Superdude lost all sense of his powers and had a very bad asthma attack. The chemist quickly found plutonium and rushed outside phasing through everything at the speed of light. By doing this he was able to “accidentally” drop a piece of Plutonium on the sidewalk right when Superdude touched down.
Superdude was rendered helpless. He started wheezing and was beginning to pass out when Bob’s aunt pulled up with Bob in the car, hand intact and mental capacities mostly so. Thinking quickly, Bob used his secret gravity powers to send the plutonium into the center of the earth where it disintegrated completely. Superdude was rushed to the hospital, Jane Robins following. The circus arrived and retrieved the monkey from the police who left with the racoon. While Bob went inside his house and collapsed on his bed, Bob’s aunt dispersed the reporters. The neighbor, revived, went back to bed.
After thousands of years a random star went supernova creating a black hole ending life on earth as Bob knew it. Earth had been overrun by the robots from A.I. land, who had managed to reopen the trans dimensional portal and all the humans had evacuated across the universe to another planet where they shielded it from all further invasions. The robots were never able to track the humans down, so they had to be content with taking over the galaxy. They lived in relative peace until they were swallowed by the black hole. This black hole existed for another million years until another star went supernova creating a larger black hole that sucked in the entire universe over a period of 4,000 light years. Of course, by this point in time Bob and everyone else no longer on earth are most definitely dead.
All this passed through Bob’s mind in a moment. Then, stubbing his toe he jolted back into reality. “Ugh mosquitoes!” He thought again “I really wish I had a flyswatter. But it doesn’t matter." Bob thought again “I wonder why mosquitoes are in the desert anyway. I haven’t seen another living thing in a few days they don’t have anything to eat, and yep, my mind is wandering again. Focus, how did I get here?” Bob thought, “I don’t really remember, there was something about a chemist?” Shaking his head trying to clear the fog that comes with dehydration. “I really wish I had a compass. That would come in handy, and a map. Actually, take that back, I wish I could fly or have gravity powers, then I could bring some briny water to the surface.” Bob stopped knowing that he was rambling. “WAIT I do have gravity powers,” he said and passed out, his mind leaving that reality. Bob did not feel the rainstorm that flew in flooding the desert bringing rejuvenating life to the ground. Or the giant You’rmo’m that swallowed the storm, eating the clouds like chicken. Or the cactus needle that popped the giant. Bob was too busy watching the writer of this story lay down her pen and quit.